10 weirdest right-wing Xian conspiracy theories

I ran across this article in Salon the other day and thought I would share for your crazy-christianamusement, or disgust, or bafflement. Scary that many of these people are in high-profile positions in our homeland.

Fundamentalist Christianity is crawling with conspiracy theories, urban legends, and just plain bizarre beliefs

1) Same-sex marriage is an elaborate scheme concocted by lesbians to entrap men.

 David Usher of the Center for Marriage Policy managed to cough up a theory that is an outstanding blend of homophobia, misogynist myths about the mendacity of women, and paranoia about the supposed gravy train that is child support. He argues that women will marry each other and conscript men into supporting them by “pretending they are using birth control when they are not.

2) Planned Parenthood is trying to get kids “hooked” on sex.

The theory, summarized in this amazing video, goes like this: Planned Parenthood lures otherwise asexual young people into thinking sex is fun (something they are dead certain that you would never, ever think if not for Planned Parenthood). They then trick them into having sex by telling them contraception works, but (evil laugh), the contraception doesn’t work and the young people get pregnant and have to have abortions. Which means profit for Planned Parenthood!

3) Gay men wear special rings for the sole purpose of giving innocent straights HIV.

(Pat Robertson, need I say more?)

4) The abortion-mad Chinese eat human fetuses.

The claim is sometimes that the Chinese eat “fetus soup” as an aphrodisiac, because concern that other people are enjoying sex too much is always part and parcel of any anti-choice urban legend.

5) Crazed liberals in Illinois want to teach 5-year-olds how to have sex.

A Chicago school district has implemented a mandatory sex education program for each grade level, leading Christian right publications to accuse the district of practicing “pedophilia” by trying to get kindergartners to think about “sex and sexual acts.”

6) Obama is the Antichrist and plans to rule America by sharia law.

Yep, there are still many who believe this crapola.

7) Charles Darwin took it all back the day he died.

This one has been around since the 19th century, but still has a significant amount of play on the Christian right, as part of the ur-conspiracy theory which holds that scientists are just making up evolutionary theory as part of a grand atheist conspiracy conducted for reasons unknown.

8) JK Rowling is trying to lure your children into Satanism with her Harry Potter books.

The furor has died down somewhat, but plenty of evangelical leaders still routinely claim demons can possess your body if you read Harry Potter.

9) Pro-choicers in Texas were planning to pelt the state senate with jars of feces.

This one rose up and was debunked within the space of six weeks over this summer of 2013. The claim, which unfortunately was given credence by the Texas Department of Public Safety back in July, was that evil pro-choicers were planning to sneak jars of poop into the debate and were only stopped by brave, poop-confiscating lawmakers.

10) Birth control pill turns your uterus into a grave littered with teeny-weeny corpses of fully formed babies.

Kevin Swanson, Christian right talk show host, expelled this one recently, claiming that “certain doctors and certain scientists” are finding that women on the pill have, “these little tiny fetuses, these little babies, that are embedded into the womb.” An evocative image, albeit one that requires not only falsely believing the pill “kills” embryos (it works by suppressing ovulation), but also simply refusing to believe that menstruation actually exists.

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3 Responses to 10 weirdest right-wing Xian conspiracy theories

  1. JTD says:

    Good stuff… But only 10?

    1. You can never trust Lesbians… I think under the right circumstances they can spring back into real women… I guess that’s the real fear…
    2. I wonder where all these “asexual young people” are coming from… I think even gay Satanists must outnumber them in this country…
    3. Hall Crap Robertson! You ever ask yourself how He knows all these gay secrets which even gays don’t know? I wonder if he’s got little ring cuts on his hand…
    4. Not Too far fetched since Orientals have been known to eat…well…Anything…
    5. Why would Anyone want to teach 5-year-olds how to have sex? Isn’t that like trying to teach ants how to read?
    6. Why don’t they just shave Obama’s head to reveal those 666 things? What’s Sharia Law got to do with Satan’s rule? You’d think all these hardcore Christians would leave America to suicide-bomb the Muslims if that were the case…
    7. Deathbed confessions are the Easiest to BS… Right up there with saying God or the Devil made me do it…
    8. There’s a funny article on the Landover Baptist Church site which shows her unbuttoning herself to seduce children… Really dunno where they equated Harry Potter with Satanism… Oh, right, probably the same source that says bad things about Spongebob and the Tellytubbies…
    9. They can do better than this: why not make it the feces of unborn, aborted babies?
    10. This sounds like something you’d read in the Ku’ran, penned by Holy Shit Muhammad and his collection of scientific miracles…

  2. Ahab says:

    Unfortunately, there are many more conspiracy theories to be found among fundamentalist Christians. Preachers such as Lou Engle (who links abortion with demons) and Geoffrey Botkin (who accuses the government of tyrannical “statism”) are but two examples.

    While we’re on the topic of eating fetuses, did you see this Christian Science Monitor article?

    http://www.csmonitor.com/Science/2013/0923/Why-do-people-want-to-eat-babies-Scientists-explain

  3. stardust says:

    Ahab, yes many, many conspiracy theories among fundamentalist Christians. They are so good at making shit up, they are pros. They make up whatever they want and the ones with lesser IQs or Paranoid Schizophrenic tendencies buy it as fact or at least suspicion of being true.

    That’s weird, I had never heard of this baby eating desire stuff before. Bizarre.,

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